Joke thread
 

Please don't post MASSIVE posts full of jokes! :P
If you post more than one joke in a single post, split them up using something like a row of lines (dashes). Also, keep the layout sensible and check the spellings. It'll flow better that way.

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An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Iranian lady. He sees her Iranian passport and strikes up a conversation.

"So tell me," he says, "why does a country like Iran - with so much oil and gas - need a nuclear programme?"

The Iranian lady looks at him, a little puzzled. "That's an interesting question," she says. "But let me ask you something first."

"A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff...grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies: "I haven't the slightest idea."

"Oh, I see," says the Iranian, "so how is it you feel qualified to discuss Iran's nuclear programme when you don't know sh*t?"

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The latest poll taken by the Governor of California yielded results on whether or not people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

a) 41% of the respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

b) 59% of the respondents answered: "No, es un problema."

LOL! Both very funny, Jez, thanks! :D

and the cow jumped over the moon

Another absolutely hilarious and well thought-out post by Ben.

I have the brain of a fried man

There is a joke thread already you know, that I made. I suppose it's closed now.

it's shut up shop. closed down, burned out, crumbled with age, locked up for the last time...thread got closed.

Heres one for you.
A man walks into a bus,
You would have thought that he'd have seen it coming.

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! "
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

that one's good, Tom, Tom? Is that you Tom Bosley? Nope, not him Brian, oh well, time for some random pictures
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...omBosley01.jpg http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...efamilyguy.gif WHAT THE DOUCHE?http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...amWest1989.jpg............Not so random after all, what is the connection though, hmm? I am the Watcher, and I am watching you, observe http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...-Logopolis.jpg...there I am, in white. Can't wait to get into my wacky clothing as the fifth...I've said too much.

You are probably one of the strangest people i've ever met.

I think he was trying to make a joke along the lines of my previous modest efforts.

Aye one could agree on that.

wot da hell is he on bout?

Superman: Reeeeeed suuuuuuuuun...yay man, yay.

Ben -- Stewie says "What the deuce?" Not "What the douche?"

what the DEUCE??? Thanks man, that could have been embarrising, well, season 2 of Family Guy has finally arrived, bought it from amazon and I got it today, already watched it all, but no special features...hang on, I'm sure it's douche, I mean, look it up on wikipedia, and then look up douchbag (which Stewie has been known to use as a catchphrase too), I bet you wouldn't be able to find a page for Deucebags because the word simply doesn't exist, deuce is pronounces D-you-s while the word in question is pronounce Doosh. If that doesn't satisfy you, look the words up in a dictionary (which should also have pronunciation), and you will see that is Douch. I've looked it up on wikipedia, I wont bore you with the details but one of it's meanings is offensive (not nessecarilly a swear word though) which would make it obvious why Stewie uses (though in "The Untold Story", he says his favorite swear word is F*ck, although douch isn't a swear word is it :P ). Anyway, just a thing to think about.

Ben -- don't care. It's definitely "deuce."

I love big blocks of text. They save me time as I can be 99% sure there's nothing worth reading within them so I can just skip them.

I'll just have to make then tiny blocks then, then you will read them!!!

yeah I never bother with big texts they just hurt my head to much.

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday, when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the Child Custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Cricket Team, who the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating anyone".

LOL. Clever. :P

Massive posts are always followed by tiny ones why is that. Oh and where'dya hear that joke.

Good Joke
 

That is a great joke Jez , bit harsh though . LOL :)

50 Fun Things To Do In A Public Toilethttp://laughnet.net/images/pixel_trans.gif 1. Comment "Pooh, who did that?" 2. Complement people on their shoes. 3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation. 4. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects. 5. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl..... 6. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives. 7. Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?" 8. Simulate a drug deal. 9. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects). 10. Roll Easter Eggs under the doors. 11. Start a sing-a-long. 12. Act schizophrenically. 13. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy.... 14. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.1 5. Ask loudly "When does the movie start?" 16. Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you." 17. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand. 18. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant. 19. Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls. 20. Fake an orgasm. 21. At night, switch off the lights. 22. Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?" 23. Collect a door charge. 24. Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?" 25. Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing. 26. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl. 27. Write essay questions on the toilet paper. 28. Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl. 29. Offer refreshments. 30. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper. 31. Run in, yelling "Free Willy!" 32. Charge admission. 33. Electrify metal urinals. 34. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl. 35. One word: GOLDFISH. 36. Make a jello in the bowl. 37. Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard. 38. Remove stall doors. 39. Glue seat and cover down to bowl. 40. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance. 41. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE. 42. Put itching powder on the toilet seats. 43. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl. 44. Replace soap in dispenser with custard. 45. Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available. 46. Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install. 47. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa). 48. In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....) 49. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette. 50. SHIT.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Writers Cramp

hahaha, that's hilarious, also, I've got one.

51. have a man hiding in a portable toilet, then, when the person lifts the lid, have his head pop up going "OOOOOOOOOH!!!"

ah, here it is http://youtube.com/watch?v=bAClnHn1M5c

Ha Ha Ha. How I long to know that guy.

Blonde Joke (HOPE I DONT CAUSE ANY OFFENCE)
 

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

HOPE I DONT CAUSE ANY OFFENCE TO ANYONE

I feel offended and I am going to write letters to my local newspaper.

even better, I'm gonna go straight to the news office

Why? I enjoyed it.

I'm kidding

And I thought you were bad, Ben.

and I thought you were worse :P, come on then, raise it up to 301.

I took my wife to the theatre last night. When we got there I said that we should have brought the piano with us.

She asked me why, and I told her because I've left the tickets on it.

How... random... Jez... :P

Cheesy Time! Who is the boss of all hankies?

The hanky-chief!

I used that joke on my show with my uncle not long ago. It's a part of the show, usually towards the end, after the musical interlude, where I tell a really crap joke, with my really crap delivery, then we have sound effect of church bells and wind. Then my uncle takes the piss for the next 3 minutes.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years.