Joke thread
 

Please don't post MASSIVE posts full of jokes! :P
If you post more than one joke in a single post, split them up using something like a row of lines (dashes). Also, keep the layout sensible and check the spellings. It'll flow better that way.

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An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Iranian lady. He sees her Iranian passport and strikes up a conversation.

"So tell me," he says, "why does a country like Iran - with so much oil and gas - need a nuclear programme?"

The Iranian lady looks at him, a little puzzled. "That's an interesting question," she says. "But let me ask you something first."

"A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff...grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies: "I haven't the slightest idea."

"Oh, I see," says the Iranian, "so how is it you feel qualified to discuss Iran's nuclear programme when you don't know sh*t?"

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The latest poll taken by the Governor of California yielded results on whether or not people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

a) 41% of the respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

b) 59% of the respondents answered: "No, es un problema."

LOL! Both very funny, Jez, thanks! :D

and the cow jumped over the moon

Another absolutely hilarious and well thought-out post by Ben.

I have the brain of a fried man

There is a joke thread already you know, that I made. I suppose it's closed now.

it's shut up shop. closed down, burned out, crumbled with age, locked up for the last time...thread got closed.

Heres one for you.
A man walks into a bus,
You would have thought that he'd have seen it coming.

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! "
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

that one's good, Tom, Tom? Is that you Tom Bosley? Nope, not him Brian, oh well, time for some random pictures
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...omBosley01.jpg http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...efamilyguy.gif WHAT THE DOUCHE?http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...amWest1989.jpg............Not so random after all, what is the connection though, hmm? I am the Watcher, and I am watching you, observe http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...-Logopolis.jpg...there I am, in white. Can't wait to get into my wacky clothing as the fifth...I've said too much.

You are probably one of the strangest people i've ever met.

I think he was trying to make a joke along the lines of my previous modest efforts.

Aye one could agree on that.

wot da hell is he on bout?

Superman: Reeeeeed suuuuuuuuun...yay man, yay.

Ben -- Stewie says "What the deuce?" Not "What the douche?"

what the DEUCE??? Thanks man, that could have been embarrising, well, season 2 of Family Guy has finally arrived, bought it from amazon and I got it today, already watched it all, but no special features...hang on, I'm sure it's douche, I mean, look it up on wikipedia, and then look up douchbag (which Stewie has been known to use as a catchphrase too), I bet you wouldn't be able to find a page for Deucebags because the word simply doesn't exist, deuce is pronounces D-you-s while the word in question is pronounce Doosh. If that doesn't satisfy you, look the words up in a dictionary (which should also have pronunciation), and you will see that is Douch. I've looked it up on wikipedia, I wont bore you with the details but one of it's meanings is offensive (not nessecarilly a swear word though) which would make it obvious why Stewie uses (though in "The Untold Story", he says his favorite swear word is F*ck, although douch isn't a swear word is it :P ). Anyway, just a thing to think about.

Ben -- don't care. It's definitely "deuce."

I love big blocks of text. They save me time as I can be 99% sure there's nothing worth reading within them so I can just skip them.

I'll just have to make then tiny blocks then, then you will read them!!!