[Ronnie Rowlands]

School scene one- (A class room, tables laid about, stage right is a table with a pupil sat at it, this is Horace Fotheringay, a dopey, dim-witted pupil, with not many prospects for the future, he is slouched in his chair, looking depressed, staring at his book, and not paying attention, in front of him is a teacher, muttering mathematical jargon at a blackboard, this is Mr. Drip, a typical maths teacher, dressed in a tweed suit, with thick grey hair)

Drip: So, as we can see there, the non-reflexive interchanges of the angle, D5 and D7, are inverted, coming to the right, we can see the reflex angles, D4 and D9, which are inverted in the same direction, leaving us with a resultant modular quantity, of 0.567 779, now, this should be able to give us some clue as to whether or not our… oh, hang on, (he chuckles) I put, oh, hahaha, oh damn! (his laughter builds up) I put. . . I put 0.567 779! It should have been 0.567 778! (he goes into hysterics, until leaning onto the board to hold himself up) (he struggles for his breath, before wiping a tear from his eye, and looks over at Horace) Now, do you know what we are told by this answer Horace? (Horace sits there, unresponsive, Drip walks over to his table) You ok there Horace? What’s the answer?

Horace: (Without looking up, still biting his nail) Don’t know sir.

Drip: What? Oh don’t be silly, you should have been writing all this down! Lets have a look here now then (He looks at the book) Oh Horace! You haven’t written a thing!

Horace: Yeah I have! (Points at a line in his book) That there.

Drip: OH GIVE THE BOY A BLOODY MEDAL! EVERYONE, YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! (everyone looks up) PLEASE GIVE MR HORACE FOTHERINGAY A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, FOR HIS AMAZING ACHIEVEMENT, OF WRITING 3 WORDS IN 20 MINUTES! (students chuckle and start applauding, mockingly, they eventually calm down, and resume their work) (quietly again) come on now Horace, this is your GCSE algebra! This is important stuff!

Horace: What good does that do you?

Drip: Well, for science, and erm. . . (he struggles to come up with a use for a useless subject like algebra) graphic. . . design?

Horace: I don’t wanna be a scientist or a graphic design thingy.

Drip: Well what do you want to be when you grow up?

Horace: Superman.

Drip: (Stifles his laughter) well, how do you think superman got his powers? (He sits next to Horace and talks him through the work, at this point, Abi and Sarah walk in through the doors, chatting, Sarah is really enthusiastic, Abi is withdrawn, and not looking Sarah in the eye)

Sara: So I met him last week, and he was like, *well* fit! I said to him…

Drip: (turns round) Hey! Girls! You are 23 minutes late!

Sara: (attitude) Yeah ok

Drip: Have you got a late slip?

Sara: (attitude) No!

Drip: Well go and get one! (Sarah rolls her eyes and walks to the door) No, no, sit down, and get this copied up (the girls sit down,) This is important work!

Sara: (with a sarcastic smile) Yes sir.

Drip: I don’t know whats gotten into you lately! And you, Abi! You used to be such a nice girl! Now you’ve got a terrible attitude, and your work’s going downhill! Sort it out! You’ve got to copy all this down. (Sara gives him another sarcastic smile, drip turns round, and Sara mutters under her breath, drip turns round) Pardon?

Sara: (innocently) nothing sir. (Drip turns round, Sara gives him the finger) So anyway, I was out last weekend, and I met up with this like, really fit lad! And he was chattin’ me up an’ I was like, “wow!” and we were with loads of mates and they were saying that he fancied me and I was like “no way!” but then he came over to me an’ asked if I liked him and I was like “yeah!” so then started askin’ about…(Drip turns around)

Drip: Girls! Will you stop talking! Do you know how important this is? I’m trying to help the people who want to work! Like Horace here, and you *INSIST* on disrupting my lesson! If I don’t see this copied by the end of this lesson, you’re in detention! (Drip turns round)

Sara: (A pause) So anyway yeah, he said that he wanted to meet to tonight, so I wanna impress him, which top you think I should wear? (Abi sits there, unresponsive, arms folded) Hey, can I borrow your red top, I think it’d go well with my blue jeans, you know the ones I got from New Look?.... abi?

Abi: Yeah fine.

Sara: Aw thanks, you’re a good mate! (pause) Oh my god abi, what the hell’s been wrong with you lately? You don’t speak to me anymore! Ever!

Abi: Yeah I am.

Sara: No you don’t! You don’t listen to me anymore! You’re just all quiet! And what’s with this mingin’ coat? It’s way to big, take it off!

Abi: No!

Sara: I bet it’s that Dave, has he been hitting you?

Abi: Course not!

Sara: Well what then?!? (Drip gets up and goes to the board)

Abi: Nuffin’ wrong! (Horace turns round and throws a paper ball at the girls)

Sara: OY! (Drip turns around again)

Drip: Girls!

Sara: I WAS…!

Drip: You have come into my lesson, late, you’re constantly talking and disrupting my lesson! (He walks over to the desk) Why can’t you be good? Like Horace?

Sara: He threw the thing at me!!!

Drip: Don’t be silly! Horace would never do such a thing! Would you Horace?

Abi: I gotta go (Abi gets up and runs out of the door)

Drip: Hey! Get back here! (Sara gets up) Sit down! (Sara throws a pen at Drip’s eye and runs away, Drip falls back and trips over Horace, who is on all fours for some unknown reason, Drip moves about all over the floor, unable to get up, like an upturned tortoise, he pulls himself up, and slips on some papers, lights go down as Pupils shout and laugh, and Drip falls about the place)