[Chris Britton]

Now I know you may judge me as being hippocritical by even starting a game review, i never finished the Oblivion one but the fact of the matter was that game was simply no-where near as fun as Morrowind, I was able to immerse myself better into a lump of Blu-tack and create a more involving story. Yes the game was good, beautful and what we expected from a TES game but it seemed like the shine which made Morrowind great was lacking. However a twist of fate was dealt to me by being allowed to have a go on the latest helping from the plumbers belly as well as the hilariously true review on Zero Punctuation. So without further ado lets begin.

So lets start from the basics, the plot. however I am unable to keep a straight face at the sound of that and the tumbleweed floating past my eyes can only justify that in the Super Mario series you can easily get more diversity just by looking at the races which live in England. I am aware the genre never has much fo a take but Nintendo mercilessly recycles what there is of oen to the point i feel it's just better if we accept Global Warming as something new and different. Basically Peanut for brains Bowser has (yawn) once again kidnapps the dumb blonde of a bitch Princess peach for the upteenth ****ing time. meaning you have to once again collecting ****ing stars again. I seriously don't know what pisses me off more. the fact saw that coming or the fact that Nintendo likes to think that just smacking the pony to create the illusion it moves will get more life out of the franchise, it's like squeezing a soapy sponge, yes soap comes out but in more diminishing and less amusing levels! Why can Peach tighten the castle or at least have some ****ing secret service agents to act as paranoid as they do at the White House! One advantage they have is at least they keep the damm President alive even though he is just as thick! maybe that will be the setting for the next Super Mario game? I mean whats the point? We all know she just blows him off like the whore she is. if i was Mario i would tell her shove it, learn to grow up, wish Bowser all the best and then shell out $10 for a hooker! it's not pretty but i can't imagine the amount of times Mario's had to jerk off because she takes teasing beyond proportion. At least that way the poor man can have a rest and some action. Why he keeps rescuing her for no reward when he could spend his days sunbathing beggars belief.

But anyway, that aside the game actually looks quite good, Nintendo have once again shown they can create a visually stunning yet cartoony world which makes your eyes water, it gives a sense of scale and appeals to those who like exploring. the puzzles and challenges are actually fun too although what the hell's new about collecting stars?! However it is able to utilize the bizarre and random and wacky to fantastic effect faster then an Aspergers kid can do that to a Neurotypical, and believe me, i've tried. The whole game is beautiful and would be the bitch of the prison. however that becomes hollow and cracked faster then your mum after a hard day in the office. Nintendo's sad and lonely desire to repeat the same ****ing thing every ****ing time on every ****ing game is finally starting to show. Theres no variety any more, it's still too linear and predictable and it does not take a genius with an IQ of 350 from Princeton to work that one out. the boss fights not even as hard hard as one of my pizzas I've half eaten and saved for breakfast. It's like all the characters have given up trying now. To ease your fears Mario saves the world (again) and gets no reward (again)

The fact is, the Mario series has been stripped of it's depth faster then a bunch of repo men in an apartment. The series has been dug up, bulldozed, burned alive, salted and blown up of all the ideas. Like Sega's poor effort to take Sonic off life support you may feel as I do that Mario now should be allowed to live his days in peace being placed on a breathing machine so we don't forget him. it also raises the question of how on earth can they keep going forward with the series. I can;t begin to imagine the titles in stock. Super Mario parallel dimension? Super Mario Real Life? Black hole, Supernova? I could go on but I've already destroyed enough brain cells wondering how many more of Nintendo's brainless executives can possibly think taking the same game, slapping new graphics and making it slightly bigger and more repetitive is going to work, it's like a board meeting at Fiat.

However, despite all this the wii controller actually helps you feel you are the fat midget like plumber running like theres a custard donut dangling on string in front of him. it;s actually a challenge unlike the amount of clones, ripoff and spin off we have sadly seen in this decade. It's still the best Mario game out there since Sunshine and it will appeal to veterans or the newbies, it's not great but maybe if Nintendo actually tried digging into the barrel of depth once again maybe Mario might write the gaming headlines again.

So there you go, it's an ok game to appeal to all ages but don't expect anything special. Nintendo is still riding on the Super Mario 64 cloud like a stoned hippie and sadly the series peaked there and they are still trying and probably never will recapture as long as they think doing the same game works, it never will and it;s only due to the popularity fo the character he si still fit and healthy. if you want sometihng special try to find a computer able to run Crysis on max settings and we can talk.