Joke thread

[Jez]

Please don't post MASSIVE posts full of jokes!
If you post more than one joke in a single post, split them up using something like a row of lines (dashes). Also, keep the layout sensible and check the spellings. It'll flow better that way.

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An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Iranian lady. He sees her Iranian passport and strikes up a conversation.

"So tell me," he says, "why does a country like Iran - with so much oil and gas - need a nuclear programme?"

The Iranian lady looks at him, a little puzzled. "That's an interesting question," she says. "But let me ask you something first."

"A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff...grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies: "I haven't the slightest idea."

"Oh, I see," says the Iranian, "so how is it you feel qualified to discuss Iran's nuclear programme when you don't know sh*t?"

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The latest poll taken by the Governor of California yielded results on whether or not people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

a) 41% of the respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

b) 59% of the respondents answered: "No, es un problema."

[Danny Stewart]

LOL! Both very funny, Jez, thanks!

[Ben Dawson]

and the cow jumped over the moon

[Recurring Villain]

Originally Posted by Ben Dawson

and the cow jumped over the moon

Another absolutely hilarious and well thought-out post by Ben.

[Ben Dawson]

I have the brain of a fried man

[Ronnie Rowlands]

There is a joke thread already you know, that I made. I suppose it's closed now.

[Ben Dawson]

it's shut up shop. closed down, burned out, crumbled with age, locked up for the last time...thread got closed.

[Sam Davies]

Heres one for you.
A man walks into a bus,
You would have thought that he'd have seen it coming.

[Jez]

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! "
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

[Ben Dawson]

that one's good, Tom, Tom? Is that you Tom Bosley? Nope, not him Brian, oh well, time for some random pictures
WHAT THE DOUCHE?............Not so random after all, what is the connection though, hmm? I am the Watcher, and I am watching you, observe ...there I am, in white. Can't wait to get into my wacky clothing as the fifth...I've said too much.

[Sam Davies]

You are probably one of the strangest people i've ever met.

[Recurring Villain]

I think he was trying to make a joke along the lines of my previous modest efforts.

[Sam Davies]

Aye one could agree on that.

wot da hell is he on bout?

[Ben Dawson]

Superman: Reeeeeed suuuuuuuuun...yay man, yay.

[Danny Stewart]

Ben -- Stewie says "What the deuce?" Not "What the douche?"

[Ben Dawson]

what the DEUCE??? Thanks man, that could have been embarrising, well, season 2 of Family Guy has finally arrived, bought it from amazon and I got it today, already watched it all, but no special features...hang on, I'm sure it's douche, I mean, look it up on wikipedia, and then look up douchbag (which Stewie has been known to use as a catchphrase too), I bet you wouldn't be able to find a page for Deucebags because the word simply doesn't exist, deuce is pronounces D-you-s while the word in question is pronounce Doosh. If that doesn't satisfy you, look the words up in a dictionary (which should also have pronunciation), and you will see that is Douch. I've looked it up on wikipedia, I wont bore you with the details but one of it's meanings is offensive (not nessecarilly a swear word though) which would make it obvious why Stewie uses (though in "The Untold Story", he says his favorite swear word is F*ck, although douch isn't a swear word is it ). Anyway, just a thing to think about.

[Danny Stewart]

Ben -- don't care. It's definitely "deuce."

[Recurring Villain]

I love big blocks of text. They save me time as I can be 99% sure there's nothing worth reading within them so I can just skip them.

[Ben Dawson]

I'll just have to make then tiny blocks then, then you will read them!!!