Joke thread - Page 2

Sam Davies · #21 January 18, 2007, 6:10 AM

yeah I never bother with big texts they just hurt my head to much.

Jez · #22 January 25, 2007, 12:30 PM

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday, when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the Child Custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Cricket Team, who the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating anyone".

Danny Stewart · #23 January 25, 2007, 5:36 PM

LOL. Clever.

Sam Davies · #24 January 29, 2007, 9:07 AM

Massive posts are always followed by tiny ones why is that. Oh and where'dya hear that joke.

#25 January 29, 2007, 11:38 AM

That is a great joke Jez , bit harsh though . LOL

Sam Davies · #26 February 1, 2007, 8:24 AM

50 Fun Things To Do In A Public Toilet

1. Comment "Pooh, who did that?" 2. Complement people on their shoes. 3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation. 4. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects. 5. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl..... 6. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives. 7. Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?" 8. Simulate a drug deal. 9. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects). 10. Roll Easter Eggs under the doors. 11. Start a sing-a-long. 12. Act schizophrenically. 13. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy.... 14. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.1 5. Ask loudly "When does the movie start?" 16. Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you." 17. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand. 18. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant. 19. Say "Oops.... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls. 20. Fake an orgasm. 21. At night, switch off the lights. 22. Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?" 23. Collect a door charge. 24. Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?" 25. Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing. 26. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl. 27. Write essay questions on the toilet paper. 28. Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl. 29. Offer refreshments. 30. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper. 31. Run in, yelling "Free Willy!" 32. Charge admission. 33. Electrify metal urinals. 34. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl. 35. One word: GOLDFISH. 36. Make a jello in the bowl. 37. Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard. 38. Remove stall doors. 39. Glue seat and cover down to bowl. 40. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance. 41. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE. 42. Put itching powder on the toilet seats. 43. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl. 44. Replace soap in dispenser with custard. 45. Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available. 46. Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install. 47. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa). 48. In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....) 49. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette. 50. SHIT.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Writers Cramp

Ben Dawson · #27 February 1, 2007, 8:40 AM

hahaha, that's hilarious, also, I've got one.

51. have a man hiding in a portable toilet, then, when the person lifts the lid, have his head pop up going "OOOOOOOOOH!!!"

ah, here it is http://youtube.com/watch?v=bAClnHn1M5c

Sam Davies · #28 February 7, 2007, 5:26 AM

Ha Ha Ha. How I long to know that guy.

#29 February 7, 2007, 2:54 PM

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

HOPE I DONT CAUSE ANY OFFENCE TO ANYONE

Recurring Villain · #30 February 8, 2007, 1:22 AM

I feel offended and I am going to write letters to my local newspaper.

Ben Dawson · #31 February 8, 2007, 5:58 AM

even better, I'm gonna go straight to the news office

Sam Davies · #32 February 8, 2007, 6:07 AM

Why? I enjoyed it.

Ben Dawson · #33 February 8, 2007, 6:09 AM

I'm kidding

Recurring Villain · #34 February 8, 2007, 6:27 AM

And I thought you were bad, Ben.

Ben Dawson · #35 February 8, 2007, 7:38 AM

and I thought you were worse

, come on then, raise it up to 301.

Jez · #36 February 11, 2007, 4:30 PM

I took my wife to the theatre last night. When we got there I said that we should have brought the piano with us.

She asked me why, and I told her because I've left the tickets on it.

Danny Stewart · #37 February 12, 2007, 1:01 AM

How... random... Jez...

Sam Davies · #38 February 12, 2007, 9:28 AM

Cheesy Time! Who is the boss of all hankies?

The hanky-chief!

Ronnie Rowlands · #39 February 12, 2007, 10:01 AM

I used that joke on my show with my uncle not long ago. It's a part of the show, usually towards the end, after the musical interlude, where I tell a really crap joke, with my really crap delivery, then we have sound effect of church bells and wind. Then my uncle takes the piss for the next 3 minutes.

Jez · #40 March 10, 2007, 6:11 AM

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years.