Scene from a short play I'm writing.

[Ronnie Rowlands]

Something I'm doing for drama, just finished one of the scenes, opinions would be helpful, I will be playing Mr.Drip.
(Stage right, a desk, with 2 chairs on one side of it, Mr. Drip is sat at the table, talking into an intercom, mother and father appear stage left)

Father: Wonder what they want to see us for?

Mother: I don’t know, she’s been showing me all her books, she’s been doing well!

Father: Then it must be something to do with her attitude, I bet she’s being bullied here!

Mother: Ian!

Father: I told you not to send her to this school, it’s scummy!

Mother: Oh, well, let’s just go in and see what he has to say. (Mother and father mime a conversation)

Drip: (Into intercom) Hello? Valerie love? Send us a coffee up here will you? Yes, two lumps, thanks dear. (Knock at the door) Uh... Oh, come in! (Mother and father enter) (Back into the intercom) Uh, Valerie love, cancel the lumps, I’ve got 2 in the room now, thanks dear. Charmed to meet you! (shakes hands with father)

Father: Nice to meet you Mr, uhh…

Drip: Mr. Drip.

Father: Drip.

Drip: Well, sit down please, sit, sit, sit, sit sit!

Mother: Thanks.

Drip: Can I get you a coffee?

Mother: No thanks,

Father: Oh, do you do tea?

Drip: Hmmm, I’m not so sure, oh, hold on, Valerie will know, (into intercom) Valerie love, do we have a tea machine?

Intercom: Sorry love.

Drip: (Sternly) Oh? Sod you then! (Pleasantly again) ‘Fraid we don’t darling.

Father: Oh…
Mother; That’s ok.

Drip: So, how can I make your life more attractively styled?
(pause)
Father: Well, you called us over here…

Drip: Oh? (Flicks through his diary) Uhhh…Oh… hahaha! Yes! So I did! (laughs)

(mother and father laugh along awkwardly )

Drip: (carries on giggling, and takes a drink of water.) Yes, yes, (leans forward, more seriously) Your daughter sir.

Mother: Abby? What’s she done?

Father: She been skiving?

Drip: She may as well.

Mother: Why?

Drip: Well, to be honest Mr and Mrs Casillingua, I’m quite concerned about your daughter. Now, I know that not long ago, she used to be the politest young girl, she was bubbly, popular, well mannered, and she passed all her tests and exams with flying colours…

Father: You mean she’s been slacking?

Drip: Well, see for yourselves… (He produces a book and hands it to Ian) (Ian flips through it)

Father: Hmm. A. A. A. A. (he looks up, then keeps looking through the book) A. B. B. B-, C, C, C-, C-, D, D-, F, F, F, U,…What’s U?

Drip: Unclassified.

Father: But, the rest of the book is unclassified!

Drip: Exactly. Over the last 2 months, your daughter hasn’t done a jot of work, or homework!

Mother: But that’s stupid, she’s always been good with her homework! She always kept on top of it!

Drip: Well, she may have done in the past, but her entire personality, attitude, effort in class and grades have gone down hill over the past month.

Mother: Attitude?

Drip: Yes. Her friend, Sarah?

Father: Sarah? I knew she’d have something to do with it! I bet she’s distracting her! She’s a bad influence on her, I told you about that!

Mother: Oh don’t be stupid! They knew each other
Before we met up!

Father: She spends too much time with her!

Mother: Father:

Well she’s got to have a social life, That girl is a bad influence on her I
We can’t just keep her in the house all the told you the minute I saw her, I just
Time! Don’t say you never used to go out used to stay in and play with my
On the weekends! Action men and so should she!
She goes out after school with her
Every day until after 8!
So what?

Drip: Can we settle down please? (they ignore him)

Mother: Father:
I'm telling you now Ian, we can't chain her to the bed It's obvious they're distacting each other!
She's her best friend! Her school work is more important!
She was out wit her last Friday!

Drip: Uh, forgive my interruption but...

Mother & Father: WHAT?!?

Drip: Did you say that she goes out with her every day?

Mother: Yes…

Drip: They’re close then?

Mother: Well, yeah.

Drip: It’s just that, last Thursday, they both wandered into my lesson, LATE, they were continually talking…

Mother: Well, all pupils chat in class don’t they?

(The lights dim) Drip: Yes, if I might be allowed to finish my sentence sometime between today and next Christmas, and you stopped with your pig headed ignorance, and actually let me explain, then perhaps we might get somewhere!

*ahem* As i was saying, most pupils, usually shut up if I give them one of the looks, or shout at them, but, your daughter seems to see her conversations with her friend more important than her maths and her education and grades! Also, I noticed that your daughter was quite withdrawn from her friend, and seemed to be ignoring her, until, last Thursday, halfway through the lesson, she stormed off in a massive huff, and her friend followed!

They went to the toilet together, and I listened at the door, but all I could hear was vomiting, and the girls arguing. They said something about a coat. She wears a very big coat, as if, as if she is trying to hide something. I heard them thrashing about, as if Sara was trying to get the coat off her, well, it all went quiet, and I tried to keep listening, but Mrs.Pert walked past me and started going on at me about how terrible her class are, you know what it's like. Anyway, I lost everything they were saying after that. But that’s not all that's happened you see.

I heard you mention that they had been out last Friday. However, I had Sara in an after school detention. There is no way they could have been out together. But. I was doing some marking, just before she came to the detention, and I saw Abby walk out of the school gates, towards a boy. About 19 years old, pale face, dark hair, he looks like he uses drugs! She didn’t look happy to be with him. But they walked off together. And that’s the last I saw. So I put it to you. The big coat, the extreme unhappiness, the boy. Do you think that the cause of this change could be….To do with this boy?

(Mother and Father stare at eachother as the lights go down.)

[Ben Dawson]

oh that's brilliant, you wrote this? It's fantastic, please post more.

[Dalek104]

Very good, Ronn! Excellent! I wonder what happens next?

[Ronnie Rowlands]

Cheers. It's a short play. This is the fourth scene I think, but the first I've started writing. When I have written more,I will post them here.

[Danny Stewart]

I'm impressed, Ronn. I didn't realize writing was among your numerous talents!

However there is one part that I find a little... off, and that's this line here:

Originally Posted by Ronnie Rowlands

I saw Abby walk out of the school gates, towards a boy. About 19 years old, pale face, dark hair, he looks like he uses drugs!

I'm sorry, but how can he look like he uses drugs? I find that often times the downtrodden-looking kids are the ones that have a relative sense of integrity and stay away from drugs, and it's the more normal ones that rely on them. But even then, it seems very stereotypical to just say "19, pale face, dark hair -- HE'S A DRUG USER!!!"

Other than that, what you have so far is excellent, and I look forward to reading more.

[Recurring Villain]

In all honesty I'm not a big fan of it. It's written well, but it's things like what Danny pointed out that sort of bug me about it.

This is your school project thing, isn't it Ronn? If your teacher's pretty conservative I guess they'll like it, those darn, pasty drug users getting young girls pregnant and all.

[Ronnie Rowlands]

Yes RV. I would have chosen something different, but you know what teachers are like And that line will be changed. I admit I was writing it in a rush, as I was in my youth club at the time, and time was running out Thank you Danny for bringing that to my attention, and I will change it to something a bit more suitable.

[Ronnie Rowlands]

School scene one- (A class room, tables laid about, stage right is a table with a pupil sat at it, this is Horace Fotheringay, a dopey, dim-witted pupil, with not many prospects for the future, he is slouched in his chair, looking depressed, staring at his book, and not paying attention, in front of him is a teacher, muttering mathematical jargon at a blackboard, this is Mr. Drip, a typical maths teacher, dressed in a tweed suit, with thick grey hair)

Drip: So, as we can see there, the non-reflexive interchanges of the angle, D5 and D7, are inverted, coming to the right, we can see the reflex angles, D4 and D9, which are inverted in the same direction, leaving us with a resultant modular quantity, of 0.567 779, now, this should be able to give us some clue as to whether or not our… oh, hang on, (he chuckles) I put, oh, hahaha, oh damn! (his laughter builds up) I put. . . I put 0.567 779! It should have been 0.567 778! (he goes into hysterics, until leaning onto the board to hold himself up) (he struggles for his breath, before wiping a tear from his eye, and looks over at Horace) Now, do you know what we are told by this answer Horace? (Horace sits there, unresponsive, Drip walks over to his table) You ok there Horace? What’s the answer?

Horace: (Without looking up, still biting his nail) Don’t know sir.

Drip: What? Oh don’t be silly, you should have been writing all this down! Lets have a look here now then (He looks at the book) Oh Horace! You haven’t written a thing!

Horace: Yeah I have! (Points at a line in his book) That there.

Drip: OH GIVE THE BOY A BLOODY MEDAL! EVERYONE, YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! (everyone looks up) PLEASE GIVE MR HORACE FOTHERINGAY A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, FOR HIS AMAZING ACHIEVEMENT, OF WRITING 3 WORDS IN 20 MINUTES! (students chuckle and start applauding, mockingly, they eventually calm down, and resume their work) (quietly again) come on now Horace, this is your GCSE algebra! This is important stuff!

Horace: What good does that do you?

Drip: Well, for science, and erm. . . (he struggles to come up with a use for a useless subject like algebra) graphic. . . design?

Horace: I don’t wanna be a scientist or a graphic design thingy.

Drip: Well what do you want to be when you grow up?

Horace: Superman.

Drip: (Stifles his laughter) well, how do you think superman got his powers? (He sits next to Horace and talks him through the work, at this point, Abi and Sarah walk in through the doors, chatting, Sarah is really enthusiastic, Abi is withdrawn, and not looking Sarah in the eye)

Sara: So I met him last week, and he was like, *well* fit! I said to him…

Drip: (turns round) Hey! Girls! You are 23 minutes late!

Sara: (attitude) Yeah ok

Drip: Have you got a late slip?

Sara: (attitude) No!

Drip: Well go and get one! (Sarah rolls her eyes and walks to the door) No, no, sit down, and get this copied up (the girls sit down,) This is important work!

Sara: (with a sarcastic smile) Yes sir.

Drip: I don’t know whats gotten into you lately! And you, Abi! You used to be such a nice girl! Now you’ve got a terrible attitude, and your work’s going downhill! Sort it out! You’ve got to copy all this down. (Sara gives him another sarcastic smile, drip turns round, and Sara mutters under her breath, drip turns round) Pardon?

Sara: (innocently) nothing sir. (Drip turns round, Sara gives him the finger) So anyway, I was out last weekend, and I met up with this like, really fit lad! And he was chattin’ me up an’ I was like, “wow!” and we were with loads of mates and they were saying that he fancied me and I was like “no way!” but then he came over to me an’ asked if I liked him and I was like “yeah!” so then started askin’ about…(Drip turns around)

Drip: Girls! Will you stop talking! Do you know how important this is? I’m trying to help the people who want to work! Like Horace here, and you *INSIST* on disrupting my lesson! If I don’t see this copied by the end of this lesson, you’re in detention! (Drip turns round)

Sara: (A pause) So anyway yeah, he said that he wanted to meet to tonight, so I wanna impress him, which top you think I should wear? (Abi sits there, unresponsive, arms folded) Hey, can I borrow your red top, I think it’d go well with my blue jeans, you know the ones I got from New Look?.... abi?

Abi: Yeah fine.

Sara: Aw thanks, you’re a good mate! (pause) Oh my god abi, what the hell’s been wrong with you lately? You don’t speak to me anymore! Ever!

Abi: Yeah I am.

Sara: No you don’t! You don’t listen to me anymore! You’re just all quiet! And what’s with this mingin’ coat? It’s way to big, take it off!

Abi: No!

Sara: I bet it’s that Dave, has he been hitting you?

Abi: Course not!

Sara: Well what then?!? (Drip gets up and goes to the board)

Abi: Nuffin’ wrong! (Horace turns round and throws a paper ball at the girls)

Sara: OY! (Drip turns around again)

Drip: Girls!

Sara: I WAS…!

Drip: You have come into my lesson, late, you’re constantly talking and disrupting my lesson! (He walks over to the desk) Why can’t you be good? Like Horace?

Sara: He threw the thing at me!!!

Drip: Don’t be silly! Horace would never do such a thing! Would you Horace?

Abi: I gotta go (Abi gets up and runs out of the door)

Drip: Hey! Get back here! (Sara gets up) Sit down! (Sara throws a pen at Drip’s eye and runs away, Drip falls back and trips over Horace, who is on all fours for some unknown reason, Drip moves about all over the floor, unable to get up, like an upturned tortoise, he pulls himself up, and slips on some papers, lights go down as Pupils shout and laugh, and Drip falls about the place)

[Dalek104]

Congratulations, Ronn! It becomes very interesting near the end. I wonder what's going to happen next?

EDIT: Is this the same Abby as the one from the other scene you posted? If so, her name has magically changed.

[Danny Stewart]

Indeed, well done, Ronn! This is really starting to get some more depth to it and it's sounding a lot better. I hope you don't mind but I improved a lot of your formatting. I didn't touch the content, but I bolded the character names and italicized the actions and scene descriptions.

[Ronnie Rowlands]

Thanks a lot Danny, I appreiciate it.

[Jez]

Good work Ronnie, I can't wait to see the next piece you post.

[Ronnie Rowlands]

That scene I just posted comes before the first scene I posted, I'm all muddled at the moment. Danny, I tried to post this as a word document, but the limit is tiny!

[Ben Dawson]

don't rush the man, greatness takes patience...very good work, I can really imagine it.

[Danny Stewart]

Originally Posted by Ronnie Rowlands

Danny, I tried to post this as a word document, but the limit is tiny!

Limit bumped up by a lot.

[Ronnie Rowlands]

Cheers mate.

[Ronnie Rowlands]

No no, I haven't started writing any other scenes, but I will, when I get my head round what order these scenes actually go in.

[Ronnie Rowlands]

OK, here is the opening scene

Scene one- ( the living room, a couch and a TV, at the back of the stage is the bedroom, which consists of a bed, Mother and Ian are sat on the sofa, slouched, looking bored, staring at the TV)
TV: And now on BBC1, Crimewatch... Have you seen this Man? (TV mumbles on)
(A long pause)

Mum- Oh, the oven! (mum rushes over to the cooker and fumbles over it, at this point,

Abby storms in through the front door) Abby? Is that you? Can you lay the table? (Abby doesn't acknowledge her, sits down next to Ian, and changes the channel. there is a pause)

Ian- Your Mother's talking to you. (Abby ignores Ian, and coughs) Put your hand over your mouth when you cough! (Abby looks at Ian, and forcefully coughs in his face, as a sign of defiance)

Mum: You coming to get your tea?

Abby: I'm not hungry.

Ian: Your mum made that for you!

Abby: I said I'm not hungry! (She gets up and storms off to her room)

Mum: Oh Abby it's your favourite! (Door slams, mum sighs in frustration, and slouches back down next to Ian, there is a pause)

Ian; Don't know what's gotten into that girl...

Mum: She's just hormonal

Ian: She's always hormonal! Why don't you go and talk to her?

Mum: Oh yeah, 'cause I have to do everything in this house! (Mum stands up) Why don't you go and check on the dinner then! (Ian hesitates, sighs and gets up, he walks over to the TV and switches it off, he then walks over to the oven and starts moving food about, Mum puts her ear towards Abby's door, and knocks lightly) (*softly*) Abby....(she knocks again) Abby? Can I come in? She opens the door and slowly walks in and sits next to Abby on her bed, who is sat there with her arms holded, looking down at the floor) Hey Abby? What's wrong? Why don't you want tea?

Abby: 'Cos I'm not hungry.

Mum: But it's your favourite, you never turn that down hun, what's wrong with you? You've been differrent for the last 4 weeks. Anything you want to talk about? (She moves closer to Abby, Abby turns away) So are you coming down or not?

Abby: No.

Mum: (sighs) OK, (she leaves the room, and enters the living room, she sits down on the couch, Ian is still on the cooker, he turns round)

Ian: Is she coming or not?

Mum: No.

Ian: No?

Mum: She's not hungry

Ian: Right, that's it, )he throws his tea towel down in frustration and storms over to Abby's room)

Mum: Oh Ian leave it!

Ian: (He bursts into the room, pointing fingers) I can't believe you! Your Mother has been slaving on that oven for ages cooking YOUR tea, and YOU have the teranity to just come in here turn the TV over,

Abby: Oh my God go away!

Ian: then just decide you don't want to eat, you're out all night, you don't do as you're told,

Abby: Get out, you can't tell me what to do!

Ian: Yes I can!

Abby: (she stands up and gets in Ian's face) You're not my Dad! (Ian stands, stunned, mother walks in, and is also shocked, abby pushes past both of them)

Mum: where you going now?!?

Abby: Going out!
(Mum and Ian despair as the lights go down)

[Chris Britton]

genius, absolutley well done

[Danny Stewart]

Indeed. This is developing well. The characters feel pretty real, so I'd say you're doing a good job of it so far.